Parking!

Mission Impossible (But really quite possible, and containing sharply dressed people except for the Indian billionaire who made me weep because he was dressed like a prissy  maître d‘) 4: Poltergeist Protocol (or Space Age Parking Lots in India) surprisingly did not suck. I watched it on a tiny little screen on the flight over to Bangalore. th screen was embedded in the seat ahead of mine. A touch-screen, because nothing enhances a thirteen hour flight more than having people jab the back of your seat as they try to adjust the volume of two point five men season 4 episode 6, Contrived Shit, Canned Laughter, End of Civilization.

The movie was notable for two things (not my opinion, this is an objective viewpoint) :

  1.  The aforementioned parking lot that looked like it had come off of a Death Star hangar bay and should really have contained TIE fighters and not mid-sized econo-mobiles.
  2.  The follow up mission (if he chooses to accept it.), “Random bad guy has hijacked the entire US drone fleet and is planning to launch an attack on XXX target (XXX being a random fleet of ships, major world city/ies or some such miscellany and not the multitude of strip clubs on the west side highway).

Now,  the plot of Mission Impossible (C’mon did the Indian have to be such an ass) 4  revolved around a deranged wonk who was really, really, really trying to cause a nuclear holocaust while dealing with abandonment issues (my interpretation), making a rogue drone fleet bad, but not age of dinosaurs bad.

The owners of the franchise now have no choice, they either need to escalate the threat with each subsequent movie  (And given that the Impossiverese is alien free (E.T. as opposed to I.T.),and therefore cannot import ID4-esque space aliens (running Windows NT), and is also free of the supernatural (apart from this magical disdain for the laws of physics), that is no easy task). Or they need to rapidly ratchet down the threat level.

So here we are, Missions Impossible 5 through 10:

  1. Mission Impossible 5: The Parallel Parking Imperative. Agent Ethan Hunt tries to parallel park his impractical S.U.V. while there is no bomb in the car but while the cabbie behind him gives him multiple disdainful looks of varying intensities interspersed with disappointed honks. Run time: 3hours 14 minutes. Some mild swearing and full frontal nudity.
  2. Mission Impossible 6: The Power Point presentations. Agent Ethan Hunt attempts to create a power point presentation for his important meeting this afternoon at his new office in Topeka, Ks. Discovers that his network drive is inaccessible and needs to work against the clock to redo it. Run Time: 45  minutes. Occasional swearing, man on computer violence and full frontal nudity.
  3. Mission Impossible 6.5: The Power Point Presentation on Vista. Needs to be done in Open Office. He’s screwed. Run time: 14 hours. Graphic violence, scenes of intense horror, some kissing and inappropriate touching.
  4. Mission Impossible 7: Budget Cuts. Agent Hunt is reassigned to second level tech support as a result of budget cutbacks. Nobody believes his fake American accent. Run time: 1 hour 3 minutes. Mild racism and swearing. full frontal nudity.
  5. Mission Impossible 8: C’mon did the Indian Character from Casper Protocol need to be that awful? The character from MI4: Ethan wears a hoodie talks to his therapist about his deep seated insecurities. Run time: 22 minutes, full frontal nudity.

 

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