Everybody loves having speakers stuffed in their ears at all times. While I do encourage my roommates to use headphones to prevent their atrocious taste in music from contaminating me I do not understand the need some people have to stuff those uncomfortable devices in their ears at all the time. Everywhere I look there are these cyborgs roaming about completely disconnected from the world around them. I can only hope that they get run over by a car whose frantic honking was drowned by whatever crap it was that they were listening to.

And now, everybody’s using hands free kits with their cell phones. I do not like them. Not just because I find it strange that people feel the need to have speakers stuffed in their ears every second of the day. Yes, they might be convenient and crap, and maybe drivers do not drive into trees when they’re using them. But they have had one unfortunate side effect. You cannot tell who the crazy people are any more.

There used to be a time when you could look at a person carrying on an enthusiastic conversation with…well with nobody and say to yourself, “That person clearly is not sound of mind. I should perhaps cross the street and pretend to examine that fascinating wall.” But those halcyon days are gone forever. Now a person talking to himself could just be talking to customer service or to a client or to the purple voice in his head that is telling him that sautéed human is yummy. (The purple voice, not the fuchsia one, because everyone knows that axe murderers always hear purple voices. The fuchsia voice is the one that tells you that you need to write a blog about the purple voice.)

So for pity’s sake make the hand free-kits larger or have glowing lights on them or something…so that I can separate the sociopaths from the sheep.

One problem. What if the friendly neighborhood psychopath is talking to the purple voice using his hands-free kit?

EDIT: A new record, this post got comment spammed in less than thirteen seconds. I feel so special.

EDIT EDIT: It’s one in the morning and I’m in a Beatles mood.

What is the point of aftershave anyway? A masochistic rite of passage? One that occurs every day instead of once in a lifetime?

Or in my case, once that occurs once a week instead of once of a day. I dallied with the idea of shaving regularly for a few months a couple of years ago. But I decided against it. For two reasons, the first being that I am lazy but I cannot bear an uneven shave or the least hint of stubble after a shave. This means that I will scrape and scrape and then scrape some more, until my epidermis begs for mercy and my facial hair crouch petrified in their follicular fortresses. And as a result of this “obsession”, all my shaves end up being twenty minute imprecation-laden marathons. The second reason is that I do not like the pain (Quelling the epidermis and forcing the hair to crouch petrified in their follicular fortresses can be done only when I use scorched earth tactics on my skin. I’ll leave the rest to your imaginations).

So, now I have the stubbled look. Some people can carry off this look. Unfortunately I am not one of them. Instead of looking good, I look vaguely like a guilty criminal with a bad hangover and a touch of dyspepsia. And not a even cool criminal, one worth emulating, like Don Corleone or this guy. But more like the criminal who comically knocks himself out by walking into a door when on the run from the cops.

However, I’m lazy and I mislike pain and so I shall continue to keep the stubbled look. But I shall add an eye patch and pirate hat to look more sinister and less ineffective

I just realized that I haven’t said anything about aftershave. If you have never put yourself through this torture, let me describe it to you. Imagine scraping off a layer of skin and lightly dusting it with pepper. Multiply that by a hundred and divide by π. That’s how painful it is.

I now realize that this is nothing but a thinly masked diatribe against my arch nemesis the razor blades.

In other news, coincidence is a bitch.

That’s all folks.

First:

This is a good cause. Please chip in.

The Rest:

I’m looking for a new apartment. I’ve been searching online and I’ve found a lot of nice places. Unfortunately they all offer “amenities” which I don’t want or can’t use, and these amenities push the rent up.

Amenities like these:

Tennis Court
I do not play Tennis. I do not particularly enjoy watching it either. The only things I like about tennis are the Russian blondes and their short skirts.

Picnic areas
Eat outside. In New Jersey in the fall and winter, when I’m going to be there? Hello hypothermia, meet my old friend frostbite.

Scenic walking trails
I do not have the time to scenically walk. For that matter I do not have the time to unscenically walk.

Park-like landscaping
Nice, but I do not give a fuck. I would not mind a concrete wasteland.

Business Center
Interpret this as two ancient Pentium two computers with a dial up connection and a dot matrix printer. I’ll pass thank you.

Heated outdoor Jacuzzi
Won’t be using it.

Indoor Basketball Court
Refer previous comment.

Large playing field
Ditto.

Fitness Center
Two barbells and a treadmill. I’d rather pay for a gym membership.

Playground
The urge to burst out into obscenities here is nearly overwhelming.

BBQ/Picnic Area
Repeat. I’m reasonably sure that they intend people to BBQ in the picnic areas. For the record, I dislike barbeques.

Business Center
Another one? Well fuck me and call me overjoyed.

New Building
I haven’t a fucking clue. Is there a building on the grounds that is new, and its newness causes astonishment among the residents. Is it a paragon of newness worthy of my admiration, and worth an extra fifty dollars in the rent?

Tot Lot
The only tots I know are this guy, and this guy. And they’re both in Bangalore.

Pool
Can’t swim. Will drown.

Cats Allowed
Whoop-de-doo-dah. I do not have a pet. And I like dogs.

Spa/Hot Tub/Sauna
I certainly hope my apartment has a tub, and I’m not forced to share a common one with the rest of the residents. And I don’t care much for sweating in steam filled atmosphere.

Walk to NY City Bus
4 mi. to NY City Train
Haven’t a clue how they’re passing off accidents of location as community amenities (Notice I did not say fucking clue).

One of the nicer places goes by the name “Hidden Lake Town & Country Apartments”. Again the glory of the English language makes me pause and think, are the apartments hidden, or is the lake hidden? Enquiring minds demand to know.

The Last:

And finally, more power to you if you recognize the picture below.

Catch this if you can. I did, and it was well worth it. I did not have time for this, but I hope to the next time I’m in DC.

Driving is fun.

However I have a small problem. The moment I sit behind the wheel, I begin to feel drowsy. I harbor this paranoid suspicion that the wheel is covered with a potent brand of chloroform.

Black coffee helps. Not much, but a bit. At least the sixth cup does. So does chocolate…and pizza. This means that I have to work out for sixteen days to get over the harmful effects of a five-hour drive.

The radio helps the most. However when traffic is crawling, do not tap your foot on the brake in time to the beat of the song. It seems to annoy the other drivers. But that would be interesting, wouldn’t it? If the traffic moved to the beat of Paint it black or Imagine.

The drive from northern Virginia to State College is incredibly beautiful. Rolling hills and dense woods and a gloomily beautiful, slightly overcast day with just a hint of an early morning fog.

Now something not as pleasant. My cell phone has decided that the backlight is a luxury, and so in effect my screen has died. Well, not exactly. The backlight occasionally does come on when the phone is flipped half open and then promptly shuts down the moment it is fully open. But just to make things interesting, it sometimes comes on only when the top is at an angle of fifteen degrees to the bottom. So I need to hold the phone up to my eye and peek at the screen to figure out whom I am calling.

I think I’ll get a new phone, but in the spirit of minimalism, I think I’ll just have it be a phone. Nothing but a phone. Actually I think I’ll just carry one of those old, black, rotary dial phones in my pocket and get myself a really long extension cord.

Bah. I’m in a good mood, and nothing has pissed me off enough recently for me to rant about. I need someone to say “buh bye” to me while sitting in a kiosk. That might work.

Add this to kiosk.

I fucking hate it when people say “buh-bye”. I need to physically restrain myself from throwing a heavy, jagged object at them.

I get the point when you say “bye”; The “buh” does not help in any fashion. It either makes you sound like you have a bad stammering problem or it makes you sound like you have the intelligence of a retarded slug.

Note to you children out there, it might not be wise to call a person interviewing you old and boring, but sometimes it is.

I’m too lazy to go to sleep, and this chair is so comfortable. Been on the road most of today and the car hasn’t caught fire yet. I am as surprised as you. I’m tired as hell and I feel good.

Starship Troopers the movie is utter crap.

Starship Troopers the book is excellent.

I haven’t finished it yet. But you have to give credit to an author who manages to do combine a fascinating grunt’s eye perspective of a space war with his views on civilization, government and the individual’s responsibilities to the two.
(Long sentences are good. Avoid commas, they are evil.)

Stranger in a Strange Land is now next on my list of books to read.

I drive to New Jersey on Thursday. I hope to avoid a repeat of this, this and this.

The Princeton Review’s top party schools:
1. University of Wisconsin-Madison
2. Ohio University-Athens
3. Lehigh University
4. University of California-Santa Barbara
5. State University of New York at Albany
6. Indiana University-Bloomington
7. University of Mississippi
8. University of Iowa
9. University of Massachusetts-Amherst
10. Loyola University New Orleans
11. Tulane University
12. University of Georgia
13. Penn State University
14. West Virginia University
15. The University of Texas-Austin
16. University of Tennessee-Knoxville
17. University of New Hampshire
18. University of Florida
19. Louisiana State University
20. University of Maryland-College Park

I saw that here.

And from an online ad:
“Welcome to Cameron Brook, where home is in the details. You will find the service superior, the interiors specious and the amenities first-class!”

I’m too lazy to write today so I felt the need to share this email that got through my spam filters
Strong erection
Long lasting effects
No prescription needed

2 popular medicines:
CIALIS – http://www.lovepills.biz/sv/
VIAGRA – http://www.lovepills.biz/vt/

Discreet packaging

“Discreet packaging”? As opposed to having packaging that had CURE FOR ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION printed on it with a ridiculously large font? Not that I would know. Really.

A few more vignettes.

Arrested Development is still the funniest show on TV, but Starved comes close.

A gin Manhattan was a figment of my diseased imagination.

And I just noticed that Bangalore now has its very own Craigslist.

…but Ankh-Morpork had overtaken cunning a thousand years ago, had sped past devious, had left artful far behind, and had now, by a roundabout route, arrived at straightforward.

–Monstrous Regiment by Terry Pratchett